Packing my bags...

Inshallah Eid is round the corner, well just one day away. Today will be the last fast on this Ramadan. Who knows if we will be alive for the next Ramadan to enjoy this blessed month. This is my first Eid ul Fitr in London after a long time, maybe 3 years or more. So it is a great feeling to be celebrating with my family in the comfort of my own home. I missed such an atmosphere and now I can enjoy it.

Soon I will be leaving London in a few day to go back to Peshawar and start my classes once again. The routine of staying up until 3am will be over and I will miss that as I have become used to it. Soon I will be sleeping 10-11pm and getting up 7am. So no more 12 hour sleeping for me, which is a shame. But at the same time it is gonna be more fun to be busy again and having some challenges, which I didn't have during the holidays. Rather it was just me being lazy and doing nothing productive. So that will be a good change for me. I have been packing my bags with the help of my mum obviously, with most of the stuff in my suitcase being snacks and food items. It might seem strange but the stuff I have packed looks like I am going to be opening a shop in Peshawar, it will be funny to imagine what the people would think when they open it up to check it or see it through the x-ray machines. Its full of cornflakes, crisps, mocha, sweets, jam, cheese, chocolates and some clothes.



It is always a struggle to get my suitcase to be within the allowed limits of 30kg. Before in the past most of the my luggage consisted of stuff for my relatives and things I was requested by relatives to bring for them. So I would always be in a state of worry to get stuff I wanted in my bag and yet trying to not upset relatives by taking their stuff as well. Thankfully this time I haven't been needed to take much things, so most of the things are mine. But still with 30kg allowed there is always many things I have to decide to leave behind and not take.

Thankfully this time Peshawar airport is open and last time I remember this was another burden on me when I found out Peshawar airport was closed and planes would be diverted to Islamabad. Islamabad is a 2-3 hours drive from Peshawar and asking somebody to pick you up from there is a hassle for them. Also it is a hassle for me as when you get off the plane you wish to just get off the plane and into a house where you can just relax.

One thing I have started to dislike about travel, is the jet-lag. I have been travelling many times during my 4 years of being in Peshawar studying medicine. People would think I would have become used to travelling, but it is really different when you travel by yourself. I remember as a kid travelling with parents, I had no worries whatsoever and would just look forward to the plane taking off and landing. The whole experience I found exciting, but when you travel by yourself you have to look after every single thing and have many things to think about. Unlike before where my parents would take care of everything. The jet-lag is really bad going from London to Peshawar as you lose one day of sleep. It is not so bad the other way round because you are going back in time rather forward into time (I am talking about the time zone, as Pakistan is 4 hours ahead of London).

As soon as I reach Peshawar Inshallah, that is the day when our uni will be open. There is a lot of renovation going on as the lecture halls and many buildings were really ancient. It looked like we were still in the 50's, so its great news that they have finally thought about renovating the place.

One more thing I wanna mention is the things that I will miss. I will definately miss my family as they are a great support for you. They make life easier for you and if you feel down they can be the ones to bring you up and help you get out of many troubles. So leaving them behind will be a big loss. But somehow you learn to cope without them even though you still would be better off if they were around. I would definately miss the luxury of our own home, my own bedroom and my own privacy. I would miss the culture of London where everybody keeps to themselves and do not bother people much. Where life is not so chaotic even though it is busy. Where there is order and no worries about bomb blasts or security issues. Where you feel secure in your home and no problem of the electricity going out (loadshedding). So many things to miss and Peshawar will be a place of chaos as soon as you land and sensing some kind of trouble in the air. You know you definately have landed in Peshawar....

Rituals vs Worship

Only a few days left till Ramadan will be over. We prayed, we fasted, we read Quran and performed optional prayers and gave charity. Mashallah! But then what?? I've heard a term before being used by some people, they call it 'RAMADAN MUSLIMS'. We are muslims in one month out of 12. But then we go downhill in the rest of the months. We are not ready to challenge the shaytan and continue to uphold the good stuff we achieved in Ramadan. Do we really want to be of those who are just Ramadan muslims??

Now this brings me onto a point which is kinda related to this. It is the aspect of rituals.
Rituals are defined as a customary practice or actions performed for their symbolic value. You can see fasting as such a thing. We perform this act of fasting in Ramadan. But do you not think we should be fasting not as a ritual but as an act of worship. Do you understand the difference between the two?? Ritual is something customary whereas worship is an act of devotion towards a God or anything else. In Islam worship is act of devotion for the sake of Allah (the creator).

Do you realise the difference between the two now? Isn't devotion something more deeper than a customary act. An act which is just repeated for the sake of it. Just like maybe it becomes a habit to brush your teeth everyday or to put your watch on your left hand. It is an act that you just do without much devotion. It just becomes a habit, automatically you just do it. It doesn't involve much feelings or passion.

But worship is far more greater than rituals. If you do an act of worship it involves feelings, devotion, passion and many more things. It comes from the heart and it changes your life. But I see people fasting just for the sake of it. I see people praying just for the sake of it. It has become a ritual with many people. They have removed the devotion aspect from their acts and that is the core reason why we would see mosques full but we see no feeling of goodness from our muslim community. We see no return? Why??? Because prayer is meant to be worship rather than ritual. Because Fasting is meant to be worship rather than ritual. Not only that but we have so many things apart from fasting and prayer that are considered acts of worship. Even smiling or removing harm from the way of a person can be considered worship. It is a really deep act full of emotions, done for the sake of Allah to improve your character and dealings with humans, animals and the earth around us. But unfortunately we have forgotten this and we do acts of worship without devotion, which turn it into a ritual. This is why such rituals never change the heart of our people, it wont turn them into citizens who will be of service to their community and it definately doesn't help them to stop doing acts which are disgraceful or bad to the community.

If we all were to do our acts of worship with full devotion, real meaning and purpose. It would mean that we will definately find it harder to do wrong acts and find it more easier to do good acts. I hear this question many times, people say our mosques are full. Isn't that a good indication of how good the people are?? But then you see that at the same time that community has so many ills while they mosques are full. That would mean praying doesn't change people and rather it makes them do wrong acts. But no this is because of the individual who is praying, is it from the heart? Is it with a purpose or is it just a ritual he has to do? To just get it out of the way?? I think it is the latter most definately. Let us think deeply about the actions which we do and do we do it truly for the sake of Allah or do we just do it because we feel it is a burden and we have to do it??

Why I chose to study Medicine?

It is not an easy journey for the medical student, that is for sure. So what makes a person want to go through such a path that is full of hardships? Many would say that they want to become a Doctor because it is a well-known and well-respected profession. That way they will be recognised for their efforts more than in any other job. Some may say that in the medical profession there is a lot of money to be gained, while some may say that in their society medicine is seen as the top profession and are pushed by their parents to study it.

But what do I think???

I remember as a kid I was so proud of my dad being a Doctor. In school I would love to tell my friends my dad is a Doctor and whenever the teacher would ask a question about the human body in a science class I would be able to answer it and they would expect me to know because my dad is a Doctor. So at that time it made me really interested in maybe wanting to become a Doctor. At one point I wished I was a pilot or a football player, but that was something temporary. But always in the back of my mind I wished to become a Doctor.

As I grew older and was more able to understand the profession seeing my dad going to his village and having kind of set up a temporary clinic in the house we were staying at, it made me even more fascinated with it. Seeing hundreds of poor people just turning up to see one Doctor made me realise how important a Doctor can be in a place where there was limited medical relief/assistance. It could change the whole community and make a difference to people.

So I was trying to imagine the satisfaction a person would get when you see a helpless child who is suffering from an illness, nearing death and coming to you for help. When you see them you diagnose their illness and prescribe their treatment. When they come to you again with their child healthy again, just seeing the smile of the child or the parents would make me full of satisfaction and even more rewarding than anything else even more rewarding than a pay check.

So my reason for studying medicine is simply this, that I really have my heart towards trying to help people and when I see people appreciating you for something that has made a difference in their life, obviously by the will of Allah, no doubt that is a great feeling! It makes you feel like you have achieved at least something in your life.

The money that comes with medicine to me is a bonus, I am not just saying this or trying to make that up. But I feel that way and there were many jobs out there that I could have chosen, which maybe had an easier path and less study, but could have earned me more than the wage of a Doctor. But you choose a job out of satisfaction and it doesn't last if you choose a job for just earning money. You need something to keep you motivated and to keep on wanting to work hard to dedicate everything to your profession.

One other aspect of medicine is that it is a vast subject and even if you choose to be a physician you will not always see the same repetitive disease, but there are many types of diseases and it is always changing. So you will never be stuck doing the same thing over and over again. Some parts of medicine are repetitive no doubt but there is a great variety also.

The last thing to note is medicine is not extremely tough, but it does require a lot of study. That study will continue throughout your life and if you are not into such kind of study then medicine isn't for you. You can still have a balanced life studying medicine and you can exercise and do things that you always used to do, the only difference is more hours for study.

My Website

I have just been messing around with making a flash website, which has links to my youtube channel and also flikr page. Check it out:
HK Productions

Ramadan has started..

I haven't been writing since a long time and maybe that is because of Ramadan. But anywayz where should i start from? Nearly one week of Ramadan has passed and I caught the flu as well during it. At first when ramadan started during my fast i felt really weak and had severe headache. I thought this was due to the fact that i wasn't drinking tea, which i normally do twice a day. But that was all due to the flu i guess and now i am feeling better than ever, alhamdulilah. I thought ramadan will be tough this year, but once you get into the routine it is not really difficult. It is a really blessed month and we should make the most of it. I have fallen behind on trying to read the Quran my aim this time round is to complete the whole Quran. I hope to do that inshallah. But we all take advantage of this month but as soon as the day of Eid commences we turn back to our old ways. I am guilty of this also.

You can compare this to a person who wants to lose weight. He takes care with what he eats and exercises for a month, he realises that he is losing weight. But then in his second month he starts eating junk food and becomes lazy, in the end piling on weight and going back to the same state he was in before.

We need to continue the progress we made in Ramadan, if we finished the whole Quran in Ramadan, we should try to keep this act going by reading Quran everyday even if it is just one page per day. If we keep away from many bad things during Ramadan, we should continue doing so after Ramadan. This month is like a month of recharging your spiritual battery, we can keep this battery charged everyday by continuing acts of goodness or we can waste it by using up the battery and making it go dead by making a habit of bad actions. So its upto us. How do we know we will be alive for the next ramadan to take benefit of it once again??? We do not know, so just let us keep that in our mind.

In this month people pray and i think that is the biggest act, which can lead to great success in life. If a person prays 5 times a day, with full devotion and proper understanding, he feels content and will not feel like something was missing in his day. When you miss a prayer you know you have missed something! But if you make it a habit to leave prayer then you wont even feel that you have missed anything, it just becomes forgotten due to weakening of faith. Just like when you do a shameful act in the beginning you feel guilty. You feel that guilt because you have some level of faith, but when it becomes a habit you wont feel that guilt anymore..

We all need to reflect and look at ourselves. It comes back to the message of not looking at others but look at yourself. Where are you weak, where are your flaws and how can you improve as a person. This is the best month to do these things and keep what you gain in this month as something permanent rather than temporary.

Have a great Ramadan and do not forget the poor people who are suffering, the needy people and make dua for yourself and everybody else!

Do we have to copy eachother?

Have you noticed (well I have noticed) that our people once they see a unique shop being made, then in the space of a few months you will see many of the same shops opening as well in the same area or even road. It makes me think that our people lack creativity.

We often hear people telling us that so and so is doing well in life. Then we wonder how are they doing well in life, maybe if i copy what he does the same will happen for me. But why not think to yourself what qualities do i have. If i do not have certain qualities for a job, how can i make myself gain such qualities. There is this belief that certain people have a naturally gifted ability, but imagine a person with a gifted ability not striving to improve or take advantage of that ability. He will not be at any advantage over the average person.

We see certain athletes who are said to possess natural ability in running. Maybe their physique helps them in achieving the best status amongst runners, but have we ever seen how hard they train? The amount of effort require to achieve the highest position is extremely huge. So what we should learn is that through struggling and through failing one can achieve many things. Nobody has it the easy way all the time and it is the failures which help shape our future more than the success.

So we should always think of ourselves to be capable and we should be creative enough to be able to think outside of the box. I love photography, i see people take many photos and i wish i could take such photos. But i have a simple camera with me and not those expensive SLR cameras which many photography enthusiasts have. Does it mean i can try to take photos and think i am able to be a good photographer? Photos capture beauty and beauty is in the eye of the beholder. One person may view something as beautiful but somebody else may not agree. But you are the one who is trying to show others this is me. You can view my pictures and understand me as a person, i have not tried to be somebody i am not.

No doubt originality does not mean we cant learn from others. But we do not have to copy eachother. I may see a muscular man and i would want to copy him. When i see that he spends hours in the gym, lifting heavy weights and his diet is protein shakes and so on. I do not have to copy him in how he gained such a body. But he can be an inspiration and according to the way i live i can achieve the same thing. It reminds me of the rocky film where he is against a Russian boxer who is training with expensive machinery, precise electronic data and far superior opponent. But he goes to some hut in a really cold place full of snow and improvises by cutting down trees and using simple ways to get fit. So we need to be able to think for ourselves and not let others think for us.

Be positive?

I know many times i write things and it may be seen to be a bit negative, but i do not consider myself to be a negative person. If we see something wrong around us it is our duty to try to correct it in the best manner possible. I remember a quote which goes something like...

'it is better to have an enemy who points out your faults rather than a friend who praises you all the time'

I always quote this to people because it does make a lot of sense. Imagine your best friend always saying you look good today, you are really intelligent, you have a good sense of humour and all these praises. No doubt it does help you gain confidence when you have a friend who appreciates your qualities and makes it known to you. That is fine but what about showing you your flaws? It is really important that the way in which you tell somebody that you need to improve yourself in such and such a way, matters a lot. Me myself am really open to criticism when I realise the person pointing it out to me is doing so because he cares and not because he wants to put me down or make a joke out of it.

Positive thinking is one where you do not look at the bad things, but rather you look at the good aspects. So sometimes it can be positive thinking when you want that your friend notices he is going down a wrong path and you correct his way so that he ends up being successful. The thought of that leads to a positive outcome, although the process leading to it might seem a bit negative.

With too much praise a person becomes forgetful of his imperfections. So there needs to be a balance between praising somebody to help him be more confident and pointing out a persons faults so that he may become a better person.

Roots of most evils contd...

Like I was saying before about blaming others. I didn't notice this aspect of life when I was living in the west, except from my little brother who complains all the time and blames everybody for everything. But like that's what you expect from all teenagers, they never take responsibility. But this disease of blaming others I have seen as the root of many problems in Peshawar (the east).

If an argument occurs between two people, one person says I am right and the other person says I am right. Then who is wrong? Can two people be right, the funny thing is that sometimes yes that can happen. Human beings are not all the same, we are very different. If a husband says to his wife there is too much salt in this dish, but she says no it is fine. The argument will go on and on both trying to prove their point. But both are right because according to the taste of the husband the salt is less, but according to the taste of the wife the salt is fine....This is a very simple example of what im trying to say, but you can get an idea...

We have to live with the fact that we cannot always make people believe the way we do or act the way we do. We cannot impose things but we can set principals and this just brings a person back to the Quran. What a beautiful book it is and how it is neglected and not read. I will also blame myself because I haven't read it from a long time. If the Quran was about imposing a belief, it would consist of bullet points or something like the ten comandments. Follow this and that is it....

But no!! The Quran is a huge book, describing many things and explaining things. It asks for the mind to think, it asks the human to read, it asks the human to question and investigate. Why are we different from animals because of this brain we have. It is unique and yet some may use this brain to earn a degree or become a Doctor or an engineer or watever but in reality they are brainless. Because the thought process is really complex, it involves emotions and deep centres of the brain. Whereas memorisation in comparison is not. When a person memorises the Quran that is a big achievement but if you are not able to grasp the meaning of the Quran then you cannot use that memorisation to your advantage. A person who understands the meaning of something he is then able to act upon it. I have to quickly google some saying about this i think it was by Imam Ghazali. I found it...

"Knowledge without action is insanity, and action without knowledge is vanity..."

Now why have I mentioned all these things, it goes back to the root of problems. When you live in a society where few question what they do and where creativity is looked down upon then you end up with people who are vain. At the same time when you see the knowledgeable people not acting right, then you have a society full of insane people. If a normal person were to live amongst such people they will keep on saying these people are crazy...What I saw/experienced in Peshawar just destroyed me completely in the beginning and I became so depressed. I had painted a very beautiful picture in my mind of how my people were back home based upon reading up on their history, based upon going on holiday over there, based upon external looks and so on.

You see simple people, less wealthy living, bearded men and women covered and mosques are full. From the outside it looks like the retreat for a person fed up of the busy materialistic western life. You hear the adhan from the mosques. This is a culture and not a religion (im using thing idea for those who just follow without knowing why). Many people use culture and religion in the same context, both you can say is a belief. But to me culture is something which does not involve the heart or mind whereas religion involves the heart and mind.

To wear shalwar kamis because everybody wears it doesn't mean anything. For a woman to wear a hijab because that's what the society requires them to do, doesn't mean much. For a person to pray just for the sake of praying means something, but not as much as the person who prays due to devotion. A person who lights up his house and lights fireworks on the Prophet (saw) to me doesn't mean much compared to the one who follows his teaching. This list can go on and on. That is why in the west when a man goes to the mosque instead of going to the nightclub down the street or the pub down the street means a lot. A person who fasts while everybody around him is enjoying eating means a lot. This is what true faith is about. When the going gets tough you stick to your beliefs. When some shopkeepers are worried about the inflation they start blaming the leaders being corrupt and think well I will be corrupt as well. That is the easy way out for them, which reminds me the shopkeepers increase the price of goods during Ramadan can you believe that.

You know what the next experience im gonna write just explains well what my beliefs were before and how simple i was.

I was driving on a main road in Peshawar and there is a junction coming up ahead. But its not like the west where you have traffic lights. The cars should wait and cross the junction only when the cars have passed on the main road. But im relaxed and driving on the main road, when all of a sudden a car pulls out from the junction and I try to avoid it but I crash and my bumper and light is broken. The other guy his car became dented. I step out of the car and it is a man with a big beard, he is blaming me for the accident and i can't believe he can seriously say that. I tell him look my cousins are in the car let me drop them off and ill come back in a few minutes so we can discuss this and sort it out. When i come back after a few minutes the guy has gone. I told this story to my relatives they were laughing at me and saying how could you trust the guy and why were you so simple minded. I was like how did i know people could be such liers with a big beard. I trusted the guy and that is what happened to me. My light costed 70 pounds because I have an imported car whereas his car was Pakistani and any damage would only cost a few pounds. He knew the accident was his fault so he ran away. So blaming others when you know you are wrong is even worse than blaming others when you 'think' you are right.

I would call that type of blaming as hypocricy! A society full of hypocricy wouldn't go that far would it. Where a person tells you oh I am going to do this job for you tomorrow. Tomorrow comes and its not done. You tell the guy oh leave it then. He says no ill do it for you. Days go by and he doesnt do it for you. You feel frustrated and you just wish the person tells you in the beginning look dont mind it but i am not able to do this job for you. I will say thanks a lot and ill try find another person to do it. This is not something that you will mind. But what i always have faced is a person is not able to do something for you and gives you a false sense of hope, but then you realise he cant. How hurtful can that be. It really brings a person down. I was a very positive person and in such a place it really brings you down badly. Everybody would tell me dont get involved too much or bother yourself with how things run, just do as the romans do....that is not me. I am not a person who does what the crowd does. From the very beginning i do according to what i feel is right. Now everybody is telling me to do whatever others do even if it is wrong? Trying to do that makes me sick inside and yet these people its normal for them to lie/cheat and when i lie i cant even try to lie. Even when they lie they speak the truth....thats how good they are. So thats the advice you get, then you wonder why people blame others.

Roots of most evils

I fail to understand why we all complain about others yet we ourselves are not right. We've heard it all before if you point fingers at others four point back to you...(i think thats how the saying goes) but this is such a strong statement. Just think about it, we might complain about how somebody has treated us wrongly. Fine, this might be the case. But then at the same time we have wronged many people ourselves. How bad does it feel when somebody lies to you, but you constantly lie about others.

Well this is the feeling I got especially living in Peshawar where everybody blames others except themselves. This was on every level. People blaming Americans for everything, they have done this and they come out with all kinds of conspiracy theories. You see a shopkeeper he complains about the government and then the next minute he is ready to rip off his customer with huge lies. No doubt I see the mosque full on friday prayers, but then when everybody goes back to their business they continue the same routine of fraud, lies, tricks and so on. Why is that? I thought when you pray it is supposed to clean your heart, it is supposed to stop you from evil. The fact of the matter is that those people don't really know why they pray. They don't know what prayer is, it is just a ritual to them. It is like telling a non-muslim pray just for the sake of it, he will copy the acts of prayer but it doesn't reach his heart if he doesn't know why or what is the significance of what he is doing.

Anywayz I think I have written a bit too much...thats it for now

How my life started in Peshawar

Its my fourth year in medical college but the experiences I have gained from it is just beyond imagination. The reason for this is that living in the west is a completely different life when living in the east, where the east for me is Peshawar.....

London being a place of opportunities, order and moderate climate. When I was living in London I would take all these good things for granted. I think thinking about it now I was really negative. To be honest Peshawar wasn't an unknown place for me as I used to go on holidays every year and meet with my relatives. It was a welcome break from the dull weather of London and seeing the usual stuff. Peshawar was really hot in the summers, it was an adventure just going on the local buses, seeing your own people and interacting with them in a different language (my mother tongue pashto, which I was not very fluent in). Everything was chaotic but when you want change from your normal life, you enjoy such chaos because its different.

So I was expecting the same things when I decided to start my study in Peshawar...However that was definately not the case and seeing the real side of life over there was something different when compared to a holiday over there....

Just started

Assalam Alaikum

This is my first time starting with this blogging thing. I dont know wat to write at the moment, but later i might just start writing something useful about my experiences and my opinions on many things.....